"HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN"
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband/boyfriend seen along the way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
Look at womanly physique in the mirror and suck in belly. Complain and whine about getting fat.
Get in shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, loincloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pomice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
Condition hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until redraw.
Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake bodywash. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off.
Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
Scream loudly when boyfriend/husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. Turn off shower.
Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. . . . . . . . attack with nails and tweezers (if you can find them).
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.
"HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN"
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting "Way, Hey! ! "
Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff.
Get in shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one. Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower.
Wash bollocks and the surrounding area. Wash arse, leaving hair on soap. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner.
Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror.
Piss in shower.
Rinse off and get out of shower,Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time. Partially dry off.
Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor.
Leave bathroom light and fan on.Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and thrust pelvis at her.
Put on yesterday's clothes.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got this sex problem, Doc. You've got to help me." "Well," says the quack, "tell me about your average day." "Well it all starts in the middle of the night. My wife always wakes me up at about 3am and again at about 5am for nookie. Later, we can spend a couple of hours making love before I go to work!" "Oh I see," says the doc.
"No, hang on," says the young man "you see, when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day, we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there." "Oh... now I see," says the quack.
"No you don't," says our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom." "Oh.... now I see," says the quack.
"No, no, no," says the randy old bugger. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of, and we nip out the back for a quickie." "Now I understand," says the extremely patient doctor.
"No, hang on," says the man. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss - a very demanding lady I might add - has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack!" "Ahh...." says the doctor, "now I see."
"No, there's more," says our man, almost in tears. "When I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards!
" By now, the exasperated doctor is beginning to lose his cool, "So just what is your problem?!" "Well..." says our hero, "it hurts when I wank."
A young Irish man called Fergus wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart Ciara as they had not been together for very long and he wanted to surprise her.
After careful consideration, he decided that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal.
Accompanied by his sister he went to Arnotts and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items and the sister got the gloves and Ciara got the panties
.
Without checking the contents Fergus sealed the package (with a kiss)and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"Dear Ciara,
I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair that she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart even though they were a little tight on her. She also told me that her pair helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she had not needed to wash it since she had begun wearing them. I wish I were there to put them on for you for the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night."
All my love
Fergus
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
An Irish man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an
English tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
Paddy politely ignored
the Englishman, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.The Englishman
snapped his gum and said, "Do you Irish people eat the whole bread?"
Paddy
frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "Of
course."
The Englishman blew a huge bubble. "We don't, In England, we only
eat what's inside. We collect the crusts in a container, recycle them,
transform them into croissants and sell them to Ireland." The Englishman had
a smirk on his face. Paddy listened in silence.
The Englishman persisted.
"Do you eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, Paddy replied, "Of course."
Cracking his gum between his teeth, the Englishman said, "We don't. In
England, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds,
and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell
it to Ireland."
Paddy then asked, "Do you have sex in England?" The Englishman smiled and
said, "Why of course we do."
Paddy leaned closer to
him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away, of course." Now it was Paddy's turn to smile.
"We don't. In Ireland, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them
down into chewing gum and sell them to England." Why do you think it's
called "Wrigley's">
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Faith Hill
July 04, 2002 at 05:05 amHi mate got your mail, Who cares if your clock is slow and your pics are old they make me slow down for second look. Keep in touch mate Tom